The Psychiatric Hotline Answer Service

Hello and welcome to the mental health hotline

• If you are Obsessive Compulsive , press 1 repeatedly.
• If you are Co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
• If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5 & 6.
• If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
• If you are Delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship.
• If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
• If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
• If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
• If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's and grandmothers' maiden names.
• If you have Post-traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
• If you have Bi-polar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
• If you have Short Term Memory Loss, please try your call again later.
• If you have Low Self Esteem, please hang up. All our operators are far too busy to talk to you.
• If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer