All Hallows Eve

As I am so busy training at the moment I take this opportunity to say Happy Halloween to you all. 

Well, not ALL of you, and there are a few people who know I mean them when I say that (and to one of you in particular, you are on the shitlist! - And you don't need a mask on Sunday night!!!).

And so here is a pic of my favourite Halloween character...Enjoy!

Always have a Shit List! Dont wait for revenge to be a cold dish before you Serve It Up!

I do not classify myself as a guru. I am a personal development trainer. I coach people, I teach people how to sell. I help people using NLP, Hypnosis and Persuasion. I teach people how to walk on fire and glass...Thats REAL Burning Embers, not ashes and dust from a very poor fire...ok?  I read the Secret. I studied it and read other books in the same genre and came to the conclusion that it was a pile of Diarhoretic pigeon shit. Sit around and wish for things for as long as you want pal but it wont happen. You have to take some action. Sit around and wait for people to change, grow a pair, get organised, get educated or behave themselves....no, it wont happen unless you get them to do it!

I tend ro rail against the normal (?) protocol of personal development trainers. Coaches and personal gurus tell you that revenge is 'negative energy'. I believe that we should direct our energy at things that serve us and not waste energy on things that do NOT serve us. I also believe that sometimes we should direct our energies at lying, scheming bastards who warrant a fucking good clumping.

Thats why I have a shit list. A bucket list is a list of things to do if you are about to die. A shit list is a list of people to do again and again while you are living!

A shit list is something I carry around with me. Its physical. Its a notebook with names and details of people who, in moments of boredom, I target with a few choice words or actions and make their life a complete and utter gangfuck. A few calls and suddenly they are standing in a swirling shitstorm. This pleases me no end.

I have on that list people I have worked with who for some reason or another said or did something that annoyed me.
Ex sales managers when I was learning the trade over twenty years ago.
Even after ten years something happens that makes me remember and I look at the list and...napalm.

New people offer themselves up on a regular basis. Especially the ones who think they are being clever and draw other fuckwits into their web and brainwash them to help them in their misguided and pointless endeavours.

I sit in my own personal hollowed out volcano formulating revenge that strikes back tenfold.  I am doing it at the moment on a poor excuse for a human being. Some complete waste of DNA, a delux willy warmer of a dead friend.

Lots of self help people tell you that revenge is negative and does not serve you. Do you know what? They are wrong. It doesn't serve you to let them get away with anything. The feeling of grinding the other person to dust is FANTASTIC.

Its not time consuming. It takes no time at all. The other person is most likely sitting in front of a PC all day looking at and reading about what it is I am doing when all I have to do is wave my hand and wallop. Like swatting a mildly annoying but just as dirty fly. At least I know they are not doing any business when they have their energies directed at me and my friends and business colleagues.

Revenge is a dish you should serve cold or hot. Why wait. But remember. I can wait days, weeks months and years. I plot, scheme and wait for the right moment to launch a weapon of mass destruction. Always out of the blue. Always leaving them burning. I am the man with two brains. One thinking of what I am saying or doing right now. The other brain is always planning a ruthless search-and-destroy mission with all the technical capability of an Exocet missile.

I know what the issue with a lot of them is. Especially one of them; they want to be me. They want to have my brains, intelligence and ability. Jealousy. Get over it love, I am a firm believer that the person who studies, trains, educates and teaches over years will always be ahead of the person who just inherits the title.

Sharon Osbourne is surely the Queen of Mean when it comes to revenge. She's admitted sending people who denigrated her or her family Tiffany gift boxes, which, when unwrapped, are found to contain brown stuff of an unmentionable nature. Whether its her own or not begs debate.

A Shit list is a list of offending people who, over the years, you'll be enacting revenge on.

Once they're on the list, you can even let them know. They are not going to be warned in advance when revenge will happen; it will just occur, out of the blue.

Sometimes, you can forget why someone's on your Shit List. Take TB, the MD of an advertising company. Three years ago he showed me and a friend of mine a photograph of him posing on his motorbike. He is a red head so thats TWO on the Shit list! His bike was red. His leathers were red. His face was red and his hair is red. He is bald on top, and looks like he has a slice of spam on his head. He enlarged the pic on his PC while my pal Mark and I looked at it with disgust. It was like looking at a leather clad swan vesta match on a bike. He then did the unforgivable. He nodded at his own picture, grinned and said 'Hmmmm, cooooool!' which consigned him immediately to my shit list. I met him six months ago and he was chatting away about a load of bollocks. Within ten minutes he had annoyed me again, slagged off the writer of a book I was reading (Martina Cole funnily enough - "so working class" he said) and reverted to type. That was it; I told him he was back on the Shit List and stormed off in search of a Tiffany gift box.

I loved the TV show Room 101 where you could throw 5 things that annoyed you down a schute. I could not have gone on that program because I have a notebook with 180 names and objects I hate neatly listed. Not every one of them will warrant an act of revenge on a regular basis but some of them will.

God has a way of dealing with revenge for me if I am a little bit too busy - it's called a slow painful death. I was spared the need to exact revenge a couple of years ago when God intevened and blew the Blazing Flame out on someone who was causing me and a few people I worked with unnecessary aggravation. Unlike his arse kissers and brainwashed disciples I danced around my living room when I heard of his death. No fires in Heaven though...so it must have been the other place. If it was then I am bound to meet him again one day. I hope so!

Now, wheres my notebook?

Thank God the TV has an off button...

I used to love TV but having seen TV's obsession with getting the public involved in entertaining itself and the lack of ideas for new programs I started turning off and have not looked back.  I saw the XFactor and Strictly Come Dancing last night.  After that I seriously contemplated eating my own head.  But during this last week I was unlucky to see Emmerdale and wondered who all the people are as I have never seen them before.  No tourists or visitors to the village, so thats self funding.  A pub that sells food.  A sweet shop that sells food and a food shop.  The only other business is a garage which comes in handy if you need new springs on your car after eating your way through the village and a church for the funeral if you dont make it to the car before your cholestorol levels shoot up and blows your hat off.

I dont recognise Eastenders as it is turning into a kids program, like some morbid version of 'The Double Deckers' and doesnt in any way resemble the East End of London I was born and grew up in.  These characters plead poverty but live in a £500,000 house.  Does no one own a washing machine in a soap?  No one lives outside the square.  No one works outside the square.  If one of the characters decides to 'go up west' (in itself, a term I have never heard used in the east end) a black cab will materialise like the Tardis and whisk them away.
 
Coronation Street if populated with people wearing designer clothes and no visible sign of an income that can sustain that level of buying. I am sure they have played musical houses at some point as a couple of the families seem to have been swapping homes.  The Rovers is the most out dated pub in England and the landlady Liz looks like a cross between Lily Savage and Owen Wilson in drag...I am sure its the pout or just the shape of her mouth but she and Owen have the same affliction, like they are sucking an invisible straw.
Emmerdale had a Death.  Eastenders has Phil who has made the fastest recovery from Crack Cocaine and Heroin in history and Coronation Street is like a depressing version of the Sims.
If theres a lesbian, a murder, a car crash or any death in one soap, switch over to one of the others as there will be another one along in a minute.  One Christmas someone fell out of a window and died in Eastenders at the same time as someone else was THROWN out of a window at his wedding reception in Emmerdale.  Nobody went upstairs in Coronation Street.

If this week has been anything to go by they should give a box a razorblades away free with the Radio Times.

I suppose there is a reason for the sameness of the soaps...the viewers are the same.  Box of chocolates, bottle of wine and four solid hours of regurgitated tripe.  Now I know why I hate TV.