New Rule : Stop giving me that pop-up ad for friendsreunited.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.
New Rule : Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?? Meat?
New Rule : Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule : If you need to shave and you still collect football cards, you're a fool. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule : Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule : There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavoured water is called a soft drink. You want flavoured water? Pour some Johnny Walker Black Label over ice and let it melt. That's your flavoured water.
New Rule : Stop screwing with old people. There is now a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule : The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soya, half-low fat, skinny, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule : I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the immigrant who is supposed to be working the till is asleep.
New Rule : Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "Licensed Prostitute number 69." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just sad. By the way, that tattoo isn't cute either; it's a TrampStamp!
New Rule : Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting??? Oh wait!? They're already doing that--It's called "The Jeremy Kyle Show."
New Rule : I don't need bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two packs.
New Rule : If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cinema a remote so we can see what's playing on the other show.